


To Endure

by lol-phan-af (lol_phan_af)



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Death, Grief/Mourning, Long-Distance Relationship, Mild Blood, Multi, Polyamory, Sad, everyone dies, sort of
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-30
Updated: 2017-06-30
Packaged: 2018-11-21 08:41:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 5,965
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11353884
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lol_phan_af/pseuds/lol-phan-af
Summary: John died on a Tuesday, the sun high in the sky, shining into his hospital room as Alexander tried not to look at him. Lafayette couldn't stop looking at him, as though their cold stare would suddenly bring him back to life. Hercules sobbed quietly as he held John's hand, eyes clenched shut."We're going to have to tell everyone," Alex choked, hands smoothing across the windowsill."Alex-"





	To Endure

**Author's Note:**

> !! based on [this post](http://artandshitposts.tumblr.com/post/158816148796/so-i-came-up-with-an-idea-last-night-and-ashleigh) by @[artandshitposts](http://artandshitposts.tumblr.com/)

Growing up, Lafayette never imagined that this is where they'd be. They imagined love would be simple, at least enough that they would never have to face something like this until much, much later in their life.  
  
John died on a Tuesday, the sun high in the sky, shining into his hospital room as Alexander tried not to look at him. Lafayette couldn't stop looking at him, as though their cold stare would suddenly bring him back to life. Hercules sobbed quietly as he held John's hand, eyes clenched shut.  
  
"We're going to have to tell everyone," Alex choked, hands smoothing across the windowsill.  
  
"Alex-" Lafayette tried.  
  
"We're gonna have to call his dad. He deserves to know his son is-" he cut himself off with his own sobbing, and Hercules and Lafayette were quick to crowd around him.  
  
"Henry Laurens does not deserve the ground he walks on, my love. He does not need to know about this."  
  
"Alex," Hercules whispered, pulling one of Alex's hands off of the windowsill and held it.  
  
Alex sniffed. "You don't, you don't have to act like that. You don't have to pretend that this doesn't hurt you because you're scared of what it does to me. We all lost him. We all deserve to mourn him."  
  
A nurse wheeled John out at as the sun set, leaving them alone in the room. Lafayette was still holding onto Alex like an anchor, Hercules back in the chair next to John's missing bed. It wasn't fair. He was so young, with so many more days to spend with them, to be robbed of them like this was a tragedy that even fate herself would have to regret striking them with.  
  
His funeral was beautiful and mocking, the remnants of the man he left behind haunting them like a ghost. Hercules only stopped crying to hear his eulogy, and as soon as Alex was back in his arms, he continued. Lafayette grazed their thumb over the back of his hand, each second that passed the more they wanted to escape.  
  
"You're going back to France?" Alex yelled. Lafayette flinched at his voice, dropping their fork back on their plate. They didn't always eat together before John died, but now that he was gone it became tradition, their own mortality apparent every second of every day.  
  
"Yes," they spoke through gritted teeth.  
  
"I'm sorry I yelled," Alex mumbled. "It's just, now? It's only been a month since-? I just don't think it's the best plan. Not to be rude or anything, it's just," he trailed off, picking at the pasta on his plate.  
  
"Are you breaking up with us?" Hercules asked, and Alex kicked the table in shock. His eyes darted up to Lafayette, the two of them staring at them, terrified.  
  
"No! No, I love you, nothing is going to change that. I just need to not be here for a while. Everything here reminds me of John, and it drives me crazy. I just need some time away, for a while, to clear my head. I promise I'll be back before you even notice I'm gone," they assured.  
  
They next few minutes passed in silence. Hercules asked questions that had nothing to do with them leaving, and Lafayette did their best to answer with a response more than one word long. Alex sat and listened, tears gleaming in his eyes, still picking at his pasta with his fork.  
  
Lafayette touched his hand where it was gripping the edge of the table. "Are you okay, Alexander?"  
  
"I don't want to lose you, too," Alex muttered. He pushed his chair away from the table and ran to their bedroom, slamming the door behind him. Hercules looked at them and chased after him, Lafayette close behind.  
  
Alex was sobbing on their bed, pillow held close to his face to muffle it. He was curled up in a ball, glasses thrown on Hercules' side of the bed. He was shaking like a leaf, and Lafayette felt terrible for it.  
  
"My love," they whispered, climbing on the bed next to him and taking away the pillow. "I won't be gone forever. Only a few months. I would never leave you, I promise." They pulled Alex next to him and ran their fingers through his hair, looking at Hercules over his head, making the same promise to him wordlessly. Hercules nodded.  
  
"John used to plan our wedding, Lafayette, your promises aren't going to stop you from dying."  
  
"I'm not going to die," Lafayette told him. Hercules sat next to them in bed, moving Alex's glasses to the nightstand and hugging Lafayette just above Alex's arms.  
  
"You don't know that!" He cried, burying his face in their chest.  
  
"Hercules, are you okay?"  
  
"I don't want you to go, but I get why you might want to. I know I've been thinking of moving back with my parents for a while," he admitted.  
  
"Are you kidding? You're just gonna leave me here?" Alex blinked and more tears fell. Lafayette felt their heart shatter. Alexander had nowhere else to go if they left him, stuck in their apartment alone with only the ghost of John for company.  
  
"It was just a thought, I don't actually have to go," Hercules offered, but Alex shook his head. He sighed, breath shuddering.  
  
"No, go. I want all of us to be okay. Keeping you here isn't going to help you. If you need to go, then go, and I mean that. Don't just stay here because of me."  
  
"We'll be back, Alexander," Hercules said. Alex leaned back on the pillows, wiping the tears from his cheeks. He sighed and crawled between Lafayette and Hercules, pulling them down to lay around him.  
  
"I know."  
  
Lafayette kissed his forehead. "We love you, Alex."  
  
"I know."  
  
Lafayette and Hercules left the next month, and Lafayette would regret it for the rest of their life.  
  
Hercules and Alex kissed them goodbye at the airport, promising to call whenever they could. Alex texted them right before the plane took off that he dropped Hercules off at his house, and that his parents are super nice and gave him a slice of pie to take home. Lafayette smiled and responded, then was asked to turn their phone off until they landed again.  
  
The first time Lafayette saw Alex again it was over facetime, and he didn't recognize the apartment he was in.  
  
"I moved," Alex explained, like it was the most casual thing in the world, and Lafayette choked. His phone was propped up against a soap bottle on the kitchen counter, giving Lafayette a view of him rummaging through his new fridge.  
  
"You what?" They yelled. It was almost three in the morning their time, they really shouldn't be screaming, but they've only been gone for two weeks and Alex had apparently _moved apartments_. Alex took a container of grape tomatoes out and turned back to them.  
  
"I didn't like being alone in our apartment without anyone with me. A lot of your stuff was gone, Hercules took most of his stuff, John's stuff," he paused. "John's stuff is in boxes in the spare room. I couldn't bring myself to get rid of any of it."  
  
"That's okay. Does Hercules know?"   
  
"Yeah. He came and visited me yesterday, but I know he won't come back often. I would've told you sooner, but I didn't want to bother you."  
  
"Alexander, you don't bother me."  
  
"Sure, but like, you're in France, and every time we text you, you always respond hours later saying you were at dinner with your friends or something, and that's _fine_. We love you, and we want you to have that. We want you to be okay more than anything. You don't need to be dragged down by us when you're trying to do that."  
  
Lafayette tried not to cry, but it didn't work. "You never, you could never-"  
  
"Lafayette."  
  
"I'm sorry. Fuck, I'm sorry." They smoothed out their pajama pants, hands shaking. "You don't drag me down. Most of the time when I'm out with other people, it's friends from when I was a child who haven't seen me in so many years because I've been having the time of my life loving you. You and Hercules are the best things that ever happened to me, I don't want you to feel like you can't talk to me."  
  
"I love you. I promise I'll talk to you if I ever decide to move again while you're gone."  
  
Lafayette laughed. "Thank you."  
  
"Now go, Hercules is gonna call you soon, and I want you to actually sleep before the sun rises. Don't think I don't know that it's three in the morning there."  
  
"Of course. I love you too, Alex, goodnight."  
  
"Goodnight, my love," he said, and the call went dead.  
  
Hercules answered the phone, all of his sunshine radiance coming through over the phone. He was outside on what looked like a lawn chair, odd considering it was early October. Laughter bubbled in the background, and Lafayette was happy to see how content he was.  
  
"Is now a bad time? I can call back tomorrow," Lafayette offered, praying he said no. They missed Hercules so much.  
  
"No, no! You're fine! My mom is just having a cookout. Really only me, my parents, and my brother are here. Are you okay?"  
  
"I'm better now that I got to see you and Alex."  
  
"Did Alex show you the apartment?"  
  
"No, but I know there's a new apartment, so that's progress."  
  
Hercules sat up on the chair. "Oh, it's so cute. There's enough room for all of our stuff when we move back, he made sure of it, and he got a new bed. He got a lot of new stuff, actually, I think he's trying to forget a little bit about-"  
  
"John and stuff, yeah. It's good though, he's trying to cope in his own way that's not completely unhealthy."  
  
"I know, that's what I've been thinking. I made him show me the entire house and, like, in the cabinets and stuff because I was so worried. We have an en suite, now, by the way, with two vanities, and our bedroom is decorated really cute. Our boyfriend has good taste, Laf."  
  
"Of course he does, look at who he chooses to love."  
  
Hercules laughed. "That's true."  
  
"I miss you."  
  
"I miss you, too," Hercules replied, and someone cooed in the background. "Oh my god, mom," he sighed.  
  
"Have fun with your family, I need to go to bed. I love you."  
  
"I love you too, goodnight." Someone cooed again and Hercules looked mortified before Lafayette hung up.  
  
The longer Lafayette spent in France, the more they longed to be home. Lafayette knew Hercules felt the same way, missing the city they fell in love in, missing the man they fell in love with. It all became upsetting very quickly, and Lafayette found themselves looking for flights home as soon as they hit the two month mark away from them.  
  
Their flight was in three days and they were pacing back and forth in their bedroom. They couldn't decide whether to tell them, or not. They knew that Hercules was visiting Alex in two days and staying for a week because Alex missed them and so Hercules made time. Lafayette knew they'd be in the same place, they just didn't know how they'd react. They'd be happy, of course, but then the questions of whether they really wanted to be there would come in, and Lafayette wouldn't know how to answer.  
  
They dove on their bed as their phone rang, Hercules' contact name lighting up on the screen.  
  
"Hello? Hercules? I have something to tell you," they said, pushing a strand of their hair behind their ear.  
  
"Uhm, you need to come home. Like, as soon as possible," he sniffed on the other line, voice cracking. There were whispers around him, but nothing loud enough for Lafayette to distinguish, something beeped in the background.  
  
"Why? What's wrong?"  
  
"Alex did something really fucking stupid," he answered. His sobs broke up his next sentence, but he cleared his throat and started again.  
  
"He got into a duel. Don't ask me how or why, he never really bothered with either, but he got shot. It's bad, Lafayette, and I don't know if he's gonna-" he cut himself off.  
  
"Hercules," Lafayetted started, but they didn't know what to say. They wanted to ask Hercules if he was kidding, ask if this was all some sick joke to get them to come home. They wanted to ask why, how, who. They didn't do any of those things, instead they laid completely still, as if them not moving would stop the rest of the world, giving them more time to make it home.  
  
"He might not. I mean, I'm hoping he does, but he's in a coma, and he probably won't wake up, and after John it's kind of hard to have hope that this will be-" he sniffed again. "I just thought you might want to be here, to be with him. The doctor said he could hear us I didn't know if you wanted to-"  
  
"I'll come home as soon as I can," Lafayette told him.  
  
"Okay. I'll see you tomorrow, maybe? Whenever you can fly out."  
  
Lafayette checked their phone. Midnight. Six in the morning their time. "I'll be there by tonight."  
  
"I love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
The drive to the airport was too long, the flight was too long, the drive to the hospital was too long. Lafayette tried not to be angry, everyone else was just doing their job, but Alexander was dying an ocean and half a dozen time zones away. They had to be there as soon as possible, had to get there before he was gone. They had to be there to see if he lived. They had to say goodbye to him.  
  
The elevator music did nothing to soothe their nerves as it climbed up to the fourth floor. Their phone came back to life all at once, Instagram notifications, text messages from their friends back in France asking why they left. They choke.  
  
**_Hercules <3 <3 <3_** _Missed Call (3)_ ** _  
_****_  
_** Their hands shook as they raised the phone to their ear, heart pounding as Hercules sobbed on the other line.  
  
"Hercules?"  
  
"He's gone," he whispered. His voice was raw, broken, and Lafayette couldn't stand it. They were _here_. They got here as soon as they could and it still wasn't enough.  
  
"What happened? When did he, when-"  
  
"About twenty minutes ago. He was rushed into surgery but they couldn't, they couldn't save him. He's gone, Lafayette."  
  
"I'm right _here_ ," they sobbed. "I'm in the elevator, Hercules. I was so close to him."  
  
"He, uhm, told me who did it. Right before he was taken to be operated on he woke up, and he told me who shot him. I'm so fucking angry, Laf, I want to kill him."  
  
"Stay where you are. Don't move. I'll be there in ten seconds." The elevator doors opened and they ran out, asking a woman at the information desk on that floor where Alex was and sprinting in that direction. Hercules was sitting like he was when John died, in a chair next to his body, his hand still holding his. Sobs wracked through his body and Lafayette felt their heart shatter.  
  
"I'm here," Lafayette croaked. Hercules whipped around to face them, cheeks streaked with tears.  
  
"Lafayette," Hercules gasped, leaping out of his chair. It felt nice to be in Hercules' arms again, they just wished it was under different circumstances. Tears came to their eyes as they looked at Alex, cold and pale, over Hercules shoulders. He was _just here_.  
  
"I missed you so much, I wish you could've come back sooner."  
  
"I was coming back on Sunday anyway! If he'd only stayed a little while longer he would've had us both back, we could've stopped him.'  
  
"This wasn't our fault, Lafayette."  
  
"It was my fault. I was the one who decided to leave, I should have stayed with him. I should've known it was too soon to move after John died. I should've known, Hercules, it's my fault. It's all my fault."  
  
Hercules shh'd them. "It wasn't you. You didn't do anything. We didn't kill Alex and he wouldn't blame us for it. It's not our fault," he assured.  
  
"You said you knew who shot him," Lafayette pointed out, face still resting on his shoulder, eyes still trained on Alex.  
  
Hercules stepped away from them. "Yeah, uhm," he wiped his eyes. "Burr. It was Burr, who killed him."  
  
"I, I knew they had a rivalry, but I didn't, I didn't-"  
  
"Neither did I. That's what makes it worse, I think. Burr was always calm, he would never do something like this. I don't get it, Lafayette."  
  
"Neither do I, my love."  
  
"I'm so angry, Laf. I can't," he flexed his fingers. "I can't just sit here when he's out there. I don't think he even fucking cares that he killed him."  
  
"Hercules, what are you planning?" Lafayette asked, watching Hercules walk around the room.  
  
"If I see him, Lafayette, at any point for the rest of my life, I swear to god, I'll kill him."  
  
Lafayette wanted to tell him not to, but they understood Hercules' anger. They shared it. They never knew Burr personally, but he knew how Alex talked about him, stoic, never took direct action unless absolutely necessary. So, why? Why, if he was always one to let things pass by him, to endure instead of striking back, would he kill someone who had done nothing to him in such a violent manner?  
  
The question went unanswered, and Lafayette did not see Burr until Alex's viewing. He walked up to his coffin, the apathy that Alexander ranted about constantly present in his every feature. A woman was walking with them, armed linked in his, wonderfully pregnant, and Lafayette wondered if she knew.  
  
They were so busy staring that they didn't register Hercules leaving them until Burr was halfway to the ground already. They heard the crack of his nose, the woman he came with screaming as he fell, the crash of flower stands that Burr knocked over on his way down.  
  
"Hercules!" Lafayette screamed, rushing over to pull him off of Burr.  
  
Hercules ignored them. "You killed him! Did you even think about that? Did you even care? I've already lost one of the loves of my life and you took another one from me!" He kept punching Burr until Lafayette managed to yank him away, and even then he kept swinging. Everyone was looking, but whether it was in fear or pity, Lafayette didn't know.  
  
"Hercules, look at me," they whispered once they stood up. Hercules sobbed as Lafayette held his hands, bloody knuckles on one, the other twitching like he wasn't done. Burr was still on the ground, nose probably broken, skin raised and bruised, blood dripping from his cheekbone.  
  
"I should kill him, Lafayette. It's what he deserves." Lafayette kissed his forehead, running their hand through his hair.  
  
"Maybe so, my love, but this isn't what Alex would've wanted, and I think you know that. As much as I hate him, Burr is a person, he has a family."  
  
"So did I!" Hercules screamed. "So did I." Tears poured down his face as Lafayette hugged him, soaking into the shoulder of their dress.  
  
"I know, love, I know. But hey, you still have me, okay? You'll always have me," they promised, swaying them. Hercules squeezed them tighter, and Lafayette just wanted this all to be a dream.  
  
Their funeral clothes grew uncomfortable the longer they wore them, but neither of them had the energy to move off of their bed in the apartment Alex picked out. They collapsed there after Alex's burial, his coffin placed next to John, just like he slept when they were both alive.   
  
Hercules flexed his fingers, hissing at the rub of the bandages against his skin. "Hurts," he explained.  
  
"Well, yeah, you beat our boyfriend's murderer to a pulp. I'd be surprised if you walked away without needing bandages."  
  
"Thank you," Hercules said, "for patching me up, for being there for me, for loving me. Thank you for not getting mad at me for what I did to Burr." He kissed their forehead.  
  
"Hercules, you don't have to thank me for any of those things. I'd love and care about you no matter what. Burr didn't get what he deserved, but he has a baby on the way, and his child doesn't deserve to be born into a world without a father," They told him. Hercules studied them for a moment before kissing their forehead again and then kissing them.  
  
"I love you so much."  
  
Lafayette grinned. "I love you, too."  
  
They fell asleep with Hercules curled around them, kissing the back of their neck as a reminder that he was there.  
  
"Lafayette, wake up! Lafayette!"  
  
"What? What? What's going on?" They groaned as they rolled over, the fabric of their dress sliding on the comforter. It was still dark outside, the moon not close to falling. They couldn't have been asleep for more than four hours.  
  
"You were screaming in your sleep," Hercules murmured. He rubbed at his eyes, bloodshot.  
  
They sat up further on the bed. "What was I saying?"  
  
"Uhm, how you wanted Alex and John back. How you feel like you never got to say goodbye-"  
  
" _I didn't_."  
  
Hercules looked them directly in the eye. "How you wanted to be dead instead of Alex."  
  
Lafayette swallowed, didn't make eye contact. "How much sleep did you get?"  
  
"Not much. An hour, maybe? Then you woke me up and I didn't want to go back to sleep anymore, I just wanted to make sure you were okay."  
  
"You're too good to me," Lafayette whispered and kissed him.  
  
"Can we change and go to bed?" He asked. His tie was thrown on the floor somewhere but other than that he was still fully dressed.  
  
"Of course."  
  
Hercules' knuckles healed, Lafayette didn't talk in their sleep save for a few bad dreams, and for awhile things looked alright. Lafayette went back to work and Hercules' business was thriving. Their lives seemed to be working out after so many months of heartbreak and loss. If only they stayed that way.  
  
Years had passed since John died, since Alex, and Lafayette was driving to the cemetery. The built in phone system in their car blared as it called Hercules, the whole car vibrating with how loud it was.  
  
"Hey, Lafayette," Hercules greeted, coughing.  
  
"Hello, love. I was just calling to see if you needed anything because I'm going to the store to get flowers. I would've texted you, but I'm driving."  
  
Lafayette could almost see his smile through the phone. "That's sweet of you. I just need cough medicine and stuff, but other than that I think I'm fine." His voice was scratchy through the phone, strained.  
  
"Are you alright, love? You've been sick for two months now."  
  
"I'm fine."  
  
"Are you sure? I want you to be okay, you're so miserable when your sick." The drove into the lot, parking in the closest available space.  
  
Hercules laughed. "Because being sick makes me feel miserable. If it worries you, though, I'll schedule a doctor's appointment."  
  
"Thank you. I'm at the store now, so I'll get your cough medicine and the flowers and I'll be home soon enough!"  
  
"That's fine. Say hi to Alex and John for me."  
  
"I will," Lafayette promised, then hung up the call.  
  
Alex and John's grave was stood in the middle of the cemetery. The gray stone carved into what looked like two hearts, their names carved on either side. Lafayette set the flowers on top and kissed where the two hearts merged, not able to spend much time there without breaking down. It still wasn't easy, but some days were better than others, and Lafayette made sure to come whenever they could stand to.  
  
"Hercules is at home now," they started, "but I know he would've come if I offered. I think it's easier for him to be here than me, because I still feel guilty for it. I never got to say goodbye to either of you, and I'll carry that with me until we meet again."  
  
They cleared their throat. "I never believed in an afterlife until the both of you died, and now I need to hold on to the hope that I won't be without you for the rest of my life. I still love you both, so much, and I know I'll never stop loving you, but I wish it was easier. I wish you were here with me and Hercules, I wish that you never died and I never had to live a day without you. I wish a lot of things that will never come true, I guess, but that's okay. I'm okay. I'm okay," they repeated.  
  
Hercules was lying on the ground when Lafayette got home. They panicked for a moment before he coughed and sat up, smiling when he saw Lafayette. They loved him, but when he did things like this they swore they could kill him.   
  
"Hello, Hercules," they smiled, walking over to him.  
  
Hercules stopped them. "Don't kiss me! We've been over this! I don't want you getting sick."  
  
"Hercules-"  
  
"Nope! Until I go to the doctor tomorrow and make sure I'm okay, then you cannot kiss me."  
  
Lafayette sat down next to him on the floor. "Until half an hour ago you didn't even want to go to a doctor."  
  
"People change," he answered, kissing their cheek and going to their bedroom. Lafayette rolled their eyes and followed him.  
  
Lafayette didn't even hear the official diagnosis when the doctor said it. They just saw her face, blank and emotionless, the words _six months left_ swirling somewhere in the back of their head. They felt Hercules' eyes, his beautiful and bright eyes that one look from could make them melt, focused on them. That was so like Hercules, to be told he was dying, and then only look at Lafayette.  
  
_Dying. Hercules was dying._  
  
Lafayette fainted.  
  
When they woke up, the first thing they recognized Hercules' beautiful face, eyebrows furrowed. He was so beautiful and he was all they had left, the only family they had left. They couldn't lose him.  
  
"Lafayette."  
  
"Hercules," they whimpered, pulling his body down on theirs. He made a surprised sound but let himself fall, face landing in their chest.  
  
"I'm so sorry, Lafayette, I didn't want this to happen, I didn't-"  
  
They shh'd him. "You didn't do anything. It's not your fault. You didn't ask for this."  
  
"I don't want to leave you. You don't deserve it, Laf, I'm _sorry_."

"Don't be sorry! I don't blame you for this. I would never blame you for this."  
  
Hercules never got better, nor did Lafayette expect him to, but they tried to make it as easy on him as they could. Hercules didn't stop working, still woke them up at six every morning to kiss Lafayette goodbye before he left for work. Lafayette insisted he come home at five, because that amount of work wasn't good for him. He needed to rest, take his medication, and stay with them for as long as he was physically able to. They still had so much to do with their lives, but Hercules was running out of time.  
  
"Hey, Lafayette?" Hercules whispered one night. He laid on their stomach, their hands fiddling with the little curls on his head. He needed a haircut, but Lafayette knew he wouldn't get one.  
  
"Yes, Hercules?"  
  
"Will you marry me?"  
  
They never thought they'd get married under these circumstances, two boyfriends dead and one currently dying, but nothing in their life so far had happened like they were supposed to. They always imagined it would be after they'd been with someone for a little over five years, and on some day that was significant to the both of them, their significant other would get on one knee and ask them. They would say yes and fireworks would go off and everything would be perfect.  
  
But that wasn't real, and this wasn't perfect.  
  
"What?"  
  
Hercules crawled off of Lafayette to lay next to them, taking their hand. "I have three months left. I still have a lot to do. I need to see my mom and dad again, I need to see my brother and his wife. I need to figure out what I'm going to do with the shop, rewrite my will, figure out how I'm going to be buried. I want to do a lot of things. I want to marry you."  
  
Hercules stood up, weak, legs wobbling. He went over to Alex's dresser, and opened the top drawer, pulling out a velvet box from underneath a pair of socks.  
  
"I was going to do it on our seventh anniversary, but I'm probably not going to be here for it, and I'm sorry for that. I love you, I always have, and I've always wanted to marry you. Before, though, I wanted to marry all of you, which wasn't an option I had. You're my family and the love of my life and I would be honored to be your husband in the time I have left."  
  
Lafayette wiped their tears. "Yes, I'll marry you."  
  
Hercules beamed and kissed them, sliding the ring onto their finger. It was beautiful, glinting in the low light of the setting sun. They stared at it as they fell asleep, Hercules' arms wrapped around them and his lips on their skin.  
  
He was cold when they woke up, and Lafayette knew. It was eight in the morning on a Thursday, Hercules should've been at his studio by now. His arms were loose around their body, lips cold where they still rested against the back of their neck. This wasn't happening. They were supposed to be getting married.  
  
Lafayette crept out of his grasp, stumbling down the stairs into their living room, dialling 911 and explaining everything as quick as they could before it set in that Hercules was gone. The almost too preppy woman on the other line apologized for their loss and Lafayette screamed, hung up, and then threw their phone at a wall.  
  
"You," they said, voice wobbling, "were supposed to have three more months left. We were supposed to be getting married." Hercules didn't answer. They fell to their knees at the side of the bed, sobbing.  
  
"Please don't make me lose you, too," they cried, holding his cold hand in theirs, just like Hercules did when John died, just like he did when Alex died. It's a cruel irony, and not one they appreciated.  
  
Hercules' funeral was at his parent's church. It was beautiful with high ceilings and masterpieces made of stained glass windows. Lafayette sat in the pew alone, watching how their engagement ring reflected the colored light shining in through the glass. Hercules' family all offered to sit with them, but they refused. This was their cross to bear, and nobody could share in that with them.  
  
People showed up to Hercules' funeral, people that knew him, watched him grow up. They probably knew things about Hercules that Lafayette would never know, but they didn't ask for stories, or memories, or pictures they had of him from when they were young. As far as they all knew, they were a stranger sitting alone in a pew at a man they knew once's funeral, and Lafayette was nothing to them. Lafayette was everything to Hercules.  
  
They sat at his grave for hours after the men who buried him drove away. They didn't say anything, just sat there on the upturned dirt and didn't care about the stains it would leave.  
  
He was buried alone, and Lafayette found comfort in the fact that he would remain alone. It wouldn't be right for him to be buried with anyone else, no matter who they might be. Lafayette already knew they would be buried next to Alex and John, their only concern was that years would pass, and nobody would ever think that Hercules had anything to do with them. Lafayette asked his family to be buried with them, but as much as his parents adored Lafayette and supported their relationship, they insisted on having him buried on their family plot. They understood, but they didn't like it.  
  
Losing Hercules made Lafayette want to shut up in their apartment and hide, to get all of Alex and John's stuff out of the boxes and just sit there, staring at it. They didn't know where to go, what to do. Their entire family was six feet under, whether related by blood or almost marriage.  
  
A month passed, and they started leaving the house more. They met new people, kept up with their work, never moved on, but that was okay. Hercules, Alex, and John were the cheesy epic romance that some people dreamed of their whole lives, and losing them still hurt, but it was okay. It was okay to mourn them and want to be okay. They were okay.  
  
They were okay for ten more years. They had friends, people to miss them once they were gone, people who knew about what happened to Hercules, Alex, and John and never tried to push them to meet anybody else.  
  
Lafayette didn't remember the accident. At least, they think it was an accident. They were rushed here in an ambulance, someone said car crash and that's just what they latched on to. It was all a blur and a lot of pain, they thought they were bleeding but they went numb awhile ago.  
  
"Lafayette!" Someone, Eliza maybe, yelled. Their vision was blurry, everything felt blurry. "They're going to help you, okay? You're not going to die."  
  
They shook their head. "Don't. I don't want to be saved. It would cost more than I'm worth."  
  
"No, no it wouldn't." Maybe Eliza shook her head, held their hand in hers and squeezed.  
  
"Please, let me go. I've been alive much longer than I wanted, I miss, I miss them. It's been thirteen years since I've seen Alex and John, ten since Hercules. I miss them. I want to go, please don't keep me here."  
  
"We love you," she whispered.  
  
"I love you, too," they answered, and the world went black.  
  
They woke up in bed alone, in an apartment they haven't been in in almost a decade. The bed wasn't like the one in that apartment, though. Instead of two dips there were three, and a flat expanse where Lafayette was lying.  
  
They jumped out of bed and ran down the stairs, gasping at Alex, John, and Hercules, as stunning as the day they first met, standing in their kitchen. Alex was sitting on the countertop, John standing between his legs. Alex popped a grape tomato in his mouth and John scrunched up his nose, always finding them repulsive, but he still kissed Alex when he leaned in. Hercules cooked next to them, moving the box of tomatoes to the other side so he would have enough for whatever he was making.  
  
"Oh my god," they cried, and all three of them whipped around to face them.  
  
"Lafayette!" Alex yelled, jumping off the counter. Hercules and John ran behind him, crowding them in a hug as soon as they could reach.  
  
"It's been so long," John sobbed.  
  
"Thirteen years," Lafayette agreed, kissing his hair.  
  
Losing them was the hardest thing they ever had to go through, but getting them back almost made it worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> ha ha ha ha :// this is bad
> 
> tumblr: lol-phan-af


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